MANTRA FOR MY RECOVERY

“People always say the first step is the hardest, but I never found the beginning of recovery to be the hardest part. Even at the beginning of recovery, there is still safety in rules and routines and you are still “somebody with a mental illness“. You’re still focusing on your illness, just in a different way. The hard part is letting go completely.

It’s in the middle, when you’re not really sick but you’re not really better either. You can stop an action in the blink of an eye, but the thoughts stick around like a bad taste in your mouth. It gets hard when you look healthy, and you’re not breaking down, and everyone thinks you’re okay now. But your head is still fighting every move you make. It’s hard when you feel like you’re losing your identity, but you’re not so sure you want to lose that part of yourself yet.

But you have to. Because holding on to that identity is like holding onto a tether – you might feel safer and more secure, but in reality, it’s only restricting how far you can go.”

My Story.

My story with an eating disorder began “officially” nearly a year ago, but really, I think I’ve been suffering for a really long time.

I have always been a little obsessed with my weight, from my early teens. It took me a long time to work this out, and it was only really from using apps like TimeHop that showed statuses from four, five, six years ago talking about my own weight and how I wanted to lose more. I have been a bit of a fussy eater since forever, but really, it all started when I was on a nursing placement a year ago…

I was at a hospital that was a long way from home, requiring at least two hours of travel each way, and practically zero sleep. As a result, I ate food from the hospital most shifts, and was very unorganized with my food/sleep/rest schedule. I gained over 4kg in 4 weeks. This is when it all started.

I was absolutely shocked. I was totally disgusted in myself. I couldn’t believe I had let myself lose such control. I was never really happy with my body image to begin with, and now, my body image was all but destroyed.  I vowed that I would diet and exercise like mad to get myself back to where I was prior to my placement. Except… I went overboard.

I started out counting calories, restricting my meals bit by bit. I could remember that I had done this before, a few years ago, whilst doing a popular 12 week fitness program. Restricting my meals and regular exercise helped me shed kilos in a manner of weeks. I thought I could do it again. Little did I know how quickly it would take hold of me.

My calorie goals were less and less, and I was trying every diet under the sun, particularly the 5:2 diet, where you have two days with 500 calories or less, and then whatever for the other five days. The thing is, I changed it to 500 or less EVERY DAY. I was losing weight quickly and was so pleased with myself.

But then… I gained weight. It was something minuscule, like 200 grams. But it threw me for six. I started telling myself that I was fat, disgusting and a pig. That I was undeserving of the life I had, and that I needed to work harder to make up for my failure. That’s where I guess I started to meet Ana. I started listening to the voice in my head. I grew a strong bond with her. She was with me, and I was with her. She would help me achieve my goal weight of 52 kg, then 50 kg, then 48 kg. She was my saviour.

People began noticing my weight loss, and commenting on how fantastic I looked. Everywhere I went, my friends or peers would ask if I had been working out, and comment on “how good” I looked. I couldn’t believe it. But it
wasn’t enough. I wasn’t skinny enough. It would never be enough in my eyes.

I realised I had a problem when I had lost nine kilos. I decided to go to my GP to get a referral. I had been to a psychologist three years before for severe depression, suicidality and anxiety, but had a bad experience. I was skeptical, but I’m also a huge talker, and I knew I needed someone to talk to.

My GP referred me to a psychologist who specialised in Eating Disorders, and that was where I met Lucy*. Lucy is my new saviour. My sessions with her are just amazing, and she has been a huge support to me. She never gives up on me, even when I tell her she should. She never expresses disappointment, even though I feel like I constantly fail her. We worked so hard together for around 3 months to get me into recovery. I was eating 3 meals and 3 snacks a day, and was essentially weight restored. Her techniques, guidance, and above all, unconditional support, have led me to believe that I can be in recovery, and happy. She has helped me see.

Recently, I have had a lot of pressure and stress, that has accumulated and hit me all in one go. As a result, I’m currently experiencing a relapse. I don’t know if I’m sad about relapsing though, and that is terrifying to tell Lucy. But she never fails to surprise me, so I know that whatever I concoct in my mind, she will do the opposite. I hope.

What I can stress is getting an incredible support network around you. My parents are fairly reserved with my eating disorder treatment, by their own wishes. It is hard to make them understand, but I know that that is their opinion and I can’t change it. My mother believes it is all in my head and that I chose this, but all I can do is offer her the education. My psychologist, supportive friends and siblings are what get me through.

So, whilst I am still battling every day, I believe I have come a long way. It may not seem it, as I have relapsed after working hard to recover, but there will always be bumps in the road. What I do know, is that no matter what happens, I want to write it down. I want to document it through this blog, for my own piece of mind. My blogs might be relatable to someone, and I know how it feels to read something and just UNDERSTAND.

And sometimes, that’s enough. 

 

 

Let’s Talk Body Punishment

There is so much stress and pressure (lately, with media and what not) related to counting calories and restricting certain foods, like no sugar, no carbs, no fat.

I just don’t see the point. Will it really matter in a year’s time, in five years time, in ten years time, if you ate that pack of donuts, or drank three cokes in a day?

It’s so common these days and nearly everyone I know is “controlling” some sort of their diet or exercise. But why? Being fit and healthy is amazing, but when does it get too far? When do these things not matter?

The last few weeks I have had a few friends experience some terrible accidents or trauma, some of which have left some permanently disabled. And I could guarantee that he would kill to be able to actually taste and swallow 1000 calories worth of fat, sugars and carbs without needing assistance from nurses and medical equipment.

I guess seeing and hearing others say “Oh, I’m not allowed that!” Or “No, I’ve already had my two tablespoons of sugar intake today…” Or “It’s okay, I’ve burned X amount of calories so I can eat X foods.” Is so so distressing. From someone who suffers these thoughts all the time, and fights so hard to get rid of them, it breaks my heart that others are being so hard on themselves. If you want the cake, then eat the damn cake. X amount of calories in cake is exactly the same of calories in X amount of fruit.

Why do we want to deny our bodies what they are asking for? There is so much pressure to eat a certain way, exercise a certain amount and look a certain way, (abs, arms, legs, etc) when really, shouldn’t we just be focusing on keeping our bodies and minds healthy by giving it a bit of everything? Do we really need to “punish” ourselves or workout more if we eat a certain amount of calories over, or because we ate a “cheat” meal? Can’t we just enjoy our time together in a healthy body, healthy mind, with the incredible opportunities we are blessed with in this free country?

I feel like maybe I notice this more given my background and circumstances, but still, I had to get it off my chest. I suffer from anorexia and constantly battle these thoughts in my mind, and it is very hard to try and remain non-judgmental when people willingly put these thoughts into their own head.
Just my thoughts obviously and I respect everyone else’s opinions.