Let’s Talk: Questioning EVERYTHING.

I have been so busy lately, I’m using it as a distraction. A cover-up. So that I don’t have to think. So I don’t have to feel.

I’m off my eating plan, after four months. My psychologist took me off it, and I no longer have to record any of my meals. I should be so happy. But I don’t feel anything. I’m legit questioning why I’m even off it.

And at the same time, I’m wondering if I’m even sick. I don’t think I am. I don’t know what to think, I’m literally questioning everything. My mind is going a million miles an hour but it isn’t focused on ANYTHING.

I’m distracting myself with TV shows and work and make up and everything I normally would, but I just don’t even feel like waking up in the morning. My eating hasn’t been great, and my weight is the lowest it’s ever been, but even then, I am not even excited about that. I am neutral. I need something to change, but I don’t want to do anything about it because I know that the change I need is to get better. I don’t want to. I haven’t reached all of my goals yet. I feel like I can’t go forward without ticking off all the boxes. Which is so ridiculous.

I have a few friends who are going through a rough tim
e right now, and I feel like I’m just making it worse for them. I am hoping with every part of my being
that they won’t end up like me – a failure, in a rough patch and not wanting to get out of it – and for some, I feel like I’m so triggering that I’m making everything go quicker and even worse. Which is super selfish and I’m making it all about me. I wish I could stop thinking about myself and focus on others. Eurgh. There is such an epic battle in my head right now, between what is right and wrong.

I’ve been working on my core principles and I can’t even figure that out. And I’m also terrified that because my eating is very up and down, maybe I’m putting my patients at risk? What if I can’t think properly? What if I make a mistake? Am I even fit to work? I think I am, because others suffering a mental illness still go to work, but what if?! I don’t know what’s reality and what’s not, and what’s the right thing to do.

I wish I could swap my brain – trade in, anyone?