Let’s Talk: When It All Turns To Shit.

So.

This week has been an absolute mess. Not only has it been incredibly challenging, but, at times, I didn’t think I would even make it through.

I started a new rotation this week, and
I worked really hard to eat my main meals and snacks. I was doing okay, and I was really keen for my appointment on Wednesday with Lucy*. It was a really good session, and I left it feeling empowered and strong.

At home, it all fell apart. A huge screaming match over appointments, money, the reasons behind my eating disorder, if I EVEN HAVE an eating disorder (because apparently it’s just for attention – right?)… It was bad. Really, really bad.  I haven’t been so close before to just calling it quits.  I was so lucky to have a friend realise how bad it was, and she came and calmed me down.

Thursday was even worse. I couldn’t even get out of bed. I so desperately just wanted a day, just ONE DAY to myself, but university stops for no one. I was in a terrible headspace, but I plastered on a smile and went about my work, albeit totally unpaid and ages away from my house. I just had to get through this eight hour shift. That was all I could think about.

Friday was the day of truth bombs and awkward DNMs. There was a lot of crying, a lot of awkward conversations, and heaps of truths laid out on the table. I didn’t know what that would mean, and I still don’t. I am totally uneasy with being so exposed to my family, and I’m terrified of the judgement and disappointment I will and already have received.  I feel like we’re at this tipping point now, and it’s either going to make everything better or everything tonnes worse.

I wish there was a time, an opportunity for me to just take a break. A week, a fortnight max, just to sort my shit out and get my head together. Even go to hospital for some rehabilitation. Just some time out, and maybe some help and support from people who understand what I’m feeling. Unfortunately, none of that is possible without ruining my life right now, which totally sucks. I wish it was easier. I wish there was a break in university, in the endless placements or double work shifts, in constant battle with friends, family and myself.

But it’ll be okay. It’ll all be okay. In the end. That’s what I’m promised, anyway.