Let’s Talk: Going From 800 Calories A Day To 3000!

WHAT I EAT IN A DAY!

It was a HUGE change going from my restrictive diet of around 800 calories a day to my now in-recovery typical day count of between 2500-3000.

I thought I’d go through what I’m eating to show that the foods I’m eating are SO RICH in nutrients, keep me full and energised, and allow me to do all the incredible things my body was made for. But most of all, this was how I learnt to NOT be scared of the numbers. Those numbers mean nothing. They make everything worse. So now, seeing these numbers, I’m not bothered. Because I was able to see past the awful feelings associated with a bigger number, and see the things that these foods (THAT ARE A NORMAL INTAKE FOR SOMEONE MY AGE AND GENDER!!!!) are not to be feared

So…

BREAKFAST:

• 2 slices of rye bread
• Vegemite, peanut butter, honey or NUTELLA (my favourite)
• A bowl of granola with yoghurt and chia seeds
• Fruit smoothie with almond milk
• Coffee(!!!!!!)
• Piece of fruit (normally a banana)

MORNING SNACK:

• Piece of fruit
• Biscuits, crackers and cheese with dip or popcorn
• Probably a coffee, let’s be honest

LUNCH:

• Sandwich with rye bread or a pita wrap WITH…
• Chicken or ham
• Avocado
• Cheese
• Spinach/rocket/lettuce
• Then… something sweet – biscuits, chocolates
• Sometimes a piece of fruit

AFTERNOON SNACK:

This is the time where I get ALL of the cravings haha! So I’ll normally opt for a piece of cake or something that my brain wants, because I put full trust in that that is what I need

• ?Cake, ?Chips, ?Nutella toast

DINNER:

This changes all the time! I never have the same thing in less than 10 days normally… normally longer!
But it will always consist of:

• A source of protein (chicken, pork, beef, lamb, fish, turkey)
• A source of carbs (rice, potatoes, pasta, potato chips)
• Vegetables! (Salads or steamed veggies)

EVENING SNACK:

• A piece of fruit OR fruit salad
• Ice cream (it’s my weakness… hello cookie dough!)
• Occasionally cake or slices or cupcakes/whatever I’ve baked or bought from the store

So there you go! Typical day for me in terms of meals. It was terrifying at the start, but I feel so strong, and really, REALLY proud of myself for sticking with it. I am able to practice nursing and midwifery, I am able to be safe when I work. I can give back to everyone who helped me. I can give back to the community.

Life is so wonderful, you only get one chance at it. I wasted enough time already, I am so happy that I can now get it back.

Let’s Talk About: Recovery Update?!

I’ve been in recovery for a little while now – yay!!!

I worked really hard for it, on my own. I didn’t realise how much I had to do on my own until I had no other choice left. But I worked hard, every day and night, and I refused to give in to the voice, no matter what. I was strong, not weak. I was beating it.

It definitely didn’t make it easy for me! I was triggered by pretty much EVERYTHING for a long while. Friends, exercise, family, foods, uni, work. Everything was unbearable. But as hard as it is, I had to slog through it. I was told there wasn’t much else to do, and it’s true. So many triggers were coming in left, right and center, but I’m so, so proud of myself for getting through it. I still get triggers, but they’re like really, really quiet flies (?!?!?!) that I can just brush off and ignore. And it’s the best thing ever!

I’m not too sure what to write anymore, and I don’t know whether or not there’s anything else left for me to say here. So I’m gonna take some time and see where to go from here.

But I can’t stress enough that RECOVERY IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE. IT’S A CHOICE, not something that just comes to you. Ana will NEVER support you in recovery. Never forget that. Use YOUR VOICE. Raise up and fight this bitch. You can do it. xx

Let’s Talk: Depression & Anxiety Is Making Me Crazy?!

Pretty much.

I can’t lie, life is a lot better than it was before, now that I’m in recovery. I don’t have to worry about so many things and my mind is a lot clearer – in relation to ED things.

But the depression & anxiety… it’s crippling.  I’m coping okay – I’ve been fortunate enough to have a lot of the techniques that worked for my ED, work for my depression as well. But I’ve found that so many days, it’s just so damn hard to leave my bed. I don’t think I’ve ever been more suicidal in my life – but I definitely don’t want to die.

There’s not really a lot to talk about right now, to be honest. Life is good. I think that’s the annoying thing with depression and anxiety. Life doesn’t just stop, like it would for other illnesses. You find a way to just pick yourself up and keep going.

But I will do more than that. So much more. And it will be okay. It will all be okay.

 

Let’s Talk About: Being In RECOVERY?!

 

I’m officially IN RECOVERY. I’ve been discharged from the docs, my psych sessions have been decreased, my eating is fab and I’m getting better. I’m finally getting better… and do you know what? IT’S FUCKING GLORIOUS.

 

If you had told me three, two, one month ago that I would be where I am today… I would have laughed in your face. And then probably fainted from lack of food and energy. I can’t even describe the difference in my mindset.

And do you know what? It was my fault. I kept myself in my disorder. I thought I was trying, but I wasn’t. Every time it got a little bit hard, every time I gained a kilo, two kilos, five kilos or 100 grams, I went backwards. I didn’t TRY. I just went back to what was easy – not giving a fuck. 

But enough was enough. I was SO DAMN LUCKY to not have totally fucked up my body… My doctor said it was a miracle that all I came out with was some retarded blood sugars and vitamin deficiencies. All in all… my body coped pretty well when I starved it and tried to kill it – and for that, I’m pretty lucky. I’m lucky it even wants to trust me again. I am LUCKY.

I suppose the biggest thing that I’ve realised with recovery, is that it doesn’t stop being hard. It just gets a little bit easier, every day. Your body starts to trust you again, your brain is filled with more “you” thoughts than ED thoughts. You notice different things, your focus changes. You find the fun again, but ALL THE TIME. Sure, you can distract yourself every few days with going out with friends or doing something fun to try to reassure yourself that you’re trying to keep up appearances and try to get some fun into that blank mind of yours. But it doesn’t work like that, and as soon as I found that out, I was all the better for it. I woke up, and was HAPPY. I wasn’t happy with my weight, or the hunger in my belly, or the way that I was so sure there was more fat on my legs than yesterday.  I was happy that my cat was sitting at my feet, purring. I was happy that I knew when I walked into the kitchen, I would smell coffee. I was happy because I knew that if I looked up from my chair at the dining table and looked outside, I would see jonquils. They are my favourite flower.

My focus is so different now, my mind is happier, my body is energised and full.  And I had to do it myself. I needed the help from my psych, my friends, their acceptance, love, kind words. But I had to FIGHT. I had to FIGHT the thoughts, and NEVER give in. Every time I wanted to go to that toilet, I had to SHOUT, SCREAM, YELL at myself. And it was exhausting. But I refused to believe that if I went back to my old ways, of purging, restricting, starving and killing myself, fucking my metabolism, my nutrients, my electrolytes, the works, even thought I thought I “wasn’t sick enough” – even THEN – I refused to think that that would be easier for me. That way of life would kill me. I was killing myself, even though I didn’t think I was even sick. Even though I knew other people were sicker, were in a different stage, had a different type that would make them sicker quicker, even though people were skinnier than me. It sucked, but it was either FIGHT or DIE. It sounds dramatic, but I wish I had realised it was the truth sooner.

The only thing I can really say – to anyone – is that even if you don’t think you’re sick… you are. That way of thinking itself PROVES that you are denying it, as well as denying your poor body of everything it needs to keep your heart beating, to keep your eyes seeing, your heart loving, your feet walking.

But you can do it. You can CHOOSE RECOVERY. YOU. You have to do it yourself. Please, please, PLEASE choose recovery. You can’t remember what you are missing… but when it comes back… you’ll know that you made the right choice.

Be strong, and kick ED to the curb. Yes, you will have to work harder than you ever have. Yes, there’s a good chance you’ll hate yourself every minute of it. BUT. There is so much in life worth living for… and it’s just waiting for you to come and get it.

Let’s Talk: When It All Turns To Shit.

So.

This week has been an absolute mess. Not only has it been incredibly challenging, but, at times, I didn’t think I would even make it through.

I started a new rotation this week, and
I worked really hard to eat my main meals and snacks. I was doing okay, and I was really keen for my appointment on Wednesday with Lucy*. It was a really good session, and I left it feeling empowered and strong.

At home, it all fell apart. A huge screaming match over appointments, money, the reasons behind my eating disorder, if I EVEN HAVE an eating disorder (because apparently it’s just for attention – right?)… It was bad. Really, really bad.  I haven’t been so close before to just calling it quits.  I was so lucky to have a friend realise how bad it was, and she came and calmed me down.

Thursday was even worse. I couldn’t even get out of bed. I so desperately just wanted a day, just ONE DAY to myself, but university stops for no one. I was in a terrible headspace, but I plastered on a smile and went about my work, albeit totally unpaid and ages away from my house. I just had to get through this eight hour shift. That was all I could think about.

Friday was the day of truth bombs and awkward DNMs. There was a lot of crying, a lot of awkward conversations, and heaps of truths laid out on the table. I didn’t know what that would mean, and I still don’t. I am totally uneasy with being so exposed to my family, and I’m terrified of the judgement and disappointment I will and already have received.  I feel like we’re at this tipping point now, and it’s either going to make everything better or everything tonnes worse.

I wish there was a time, an opportunity for me to just take a break. A week, a fortnight max, just to sort my shit out and get my head together. Even go to hospital for some rehabilitation. Just some time out, and maybe some help and support from people who understand what I’m feeling. Unfortunately, none of that is possible without ruining my life right now, which totally sucks. I wish it was easier. I wish there was a break in university, in the endless placements or double work shifts, in constant battle with friends, family and myself.

But it’ll be okay. It’ll all be okay. In the end. That’s what I’m promised, anyway. 

Let’s Talk: Questioning EVERYTHING.

I have been so busy lately, I’m using it as a distraction. A cover-up. So that I don’t have to think. So I don’t have to feel.

I’m off my eating plan, after four months. My psychologist took me off it, and I no longer have to record any of my meals. I should be so happy. But I don’t feel anything. I’m legit questioning why I’m even off it.

And at the same time, I’m wondering if I’m even sick. I don’t think I am. I don’t know what to think, I’m literally questioning everything. My mind is going a million miles an hour but it isn’t focused on ANYTHING.

I’m distracting myself with TV shows and work and make up and everything I normally would, but I just don’t even feel like waking up in the morning. My eating hasn’t been great, and my weight is the lowest it’s ever been, but even then, I am not even excited about that. I am neutral. I need something to change, but I don’t want to do anything about it because I know that the change I need is to get better. I don’t want to. I haven’t reached all of my goals yet. I feel like I can’t go forward without ticking off all the boxes. Which is so ridiculous.

I have a few friends who are going through a rough tim
e right now, and I feel like I’m just making it worse for them. I am hoping with every part of my being
that they won’t end up like me – a failure, in a rough patch and not wanting to get out of it – and for some, I feel like I’m so triggering that I’m making everything go quicker and even worse. Which is super selfish and I’m making it all about me. I wish I could stop thinking about myself and focus on others. Eurgh. There is such an epic battle in my head right now, between what is right and wrong.

I’ve been working on my core principles and I can’t even figure that out. And I’m also terrified that because my eating is very up and down, maybe I’m putting my patients at risk? What if I can’t think properly? What if I make a mistake? Am I even fit to work? I think I am, because others suffering a mental illness still go to work, but what if?! I don’t know what’s reality and what’s not, and what’s the right thing to do.

I wish I could swap my brain – trade in, anyone?

Let’s Talk: Feeling Nothing.

Warning: super depressing post.

I’m in such a rough patch at the moment. I literally feel nothing. I wake up, nothing. The whole day, nothing. Going to bed is pure relief, because there’s a chance that I might have dreams to distract me from the utter nothingness.

I feel like I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown. I feel like I’m on a ledge, and I’m either going to go one of two ways – backwards away from the ledge, or topple right over. I’m about to start placement again for four weeks straight, with one day break each week. I have to miss a few appointments with my psychologist, and I’m really stressed about that. It’s by chance, and my university and the hospitals have been really good with trying to get my afternoons off, but sometimes it’s just too hard.  Not to mention the fact that I’m probably going to be the shittiest nurse and midwife alive, because I can’t even get my own shit together. What if I concentrate too much on my appearance that I make a mistake? Normally, I throw myself into work and love the distraction, but I’m so scared.

Every day I get told by certain people that I’m going to kill someone, that I’m not fit to work in the health profession, that I shouldn’t be allowed out of the house. That makes me feel even better. But I think my favourite thing about the upcoming month is no pay.  I never imagined the stress that finance could put on someone, but now I do.

I feel like I’m in a really deep hole and I can’t get out. But the strange thing is… I don’t really want to. I haven’t felt like this in a really long time. I don’t want to do anything anymore, and I don’t care about anything. And I don’t even wish I didn’t. I’m hoping I can just ride this out and see what happens. Maybe placement might snap me out of it?

I just feel nothing, blank space. All I see is black. I’m not dropping my weight fast enough for my liking, and I feel like I’m failing. If I can’t even get that right, what do I have? I honestly don’t know.

Let’s Talk: Psychologists

Seeing a psychologist is terrifying. I remember sitting in the waiting room of the psychology clinic, legs shaking, hands clasped; I was so anxious I had to step outside to pull myself together. The room itself was so calming – now I think about it. It had these beautiful pictures on the wall, and the radio playing with great music. The receptionist was sweet, and couches comfy. But with all of this… I was still battling with myself on whether or not to just run away and come back when I felt more in control.

The statistics in Australia state that only 1 in 6 people suffering from an eating disorder seek treatment. That is a scary number, and a scary thought. It breaks my heart to think that people are suffering alone, when there is help out there for them.

I had seen a psychologist before, just under four years back. It was the worst experience in counselling I have ever had. She was too clinic, and completely condescending. There was no attempt at a therapeutic relationship, and I didn’t feel comfortable opening up to her.

But when I met Lucy*, my current psychologist, I couldn’t believe the difference. Straight away, a therapeutic relationship was made. I was made to feel at ease and safe at the clinic, and therefore, I knew I would be able to use the support provided to me to fuel my own recovery.

I can’t acknowledge enough how terrified I was at going to a psychologist for a second time. Albeit, for different reasons, still… I didn’t want to try to open up to someone again and have another bad experience. But, today, I am so incredibly glad I did.

Today, I have someone who is supportive, and understanding. There is no disappointment or frustration, only ways to help. The clinic I attend focus on an attribute each month, and last month’s was courage. As corny as it sounds, I’m pretty glad I had the courage to seek help again. If I hadn’t, I definitely wouldn’t be in the positioning of healing that I am today.

I can’t explain how helpful psychology has been for me. I am a talker, and I love to discuss things with people. Feelings, emotions and all that jazz, however, I’m not a big fan. But being able to talk about it, free from judgement, and with constant support, has made all the difference. I have been taught many different therapies and techniques that I can take away with me and use when I’m in a stressful situation. I can honestly say that seeing a psychologist is the greatest healing treatment for an eating disorder. 

I think I am very lucky to have found a support who I feel understands what I’m saying and where I’m coming from, but there have been countless times that I have heard stories of people not “clicking” with their psychologist, but still sticking with it.  This only shows how determined they are to seek help and get better, but you need someone who you can respect, be open with and learn from. It’s almost like a “try-before-you-buy” situation. After all, this is your mental health you’re talking about.

I really hope that anyone suffering is seeing a psychologist who is right for them. Lucy* specialises in eating disorders, which has been fantastic, because she really does understand my thoughts. If you are suffering and aren’t happy with the help you’re getting, keep looking.  Your health is worth so much more than seeing someone who you don’t feel comfortable with. They won’t be able to help you, no matter how much you & they try. Keep searching.